The Anonymous Letter

I was not expecting any letter.

And least of all, on the Valentine’s Day!

The alarm rang notoriously loud that day, and like every day, I thought that it rang louder than ever. Shaking off the sleep, I sat up staring at the hopeless Sun. For lovers, it was going to be a special day. For non-lovers, it was going to be a day of recollecting the most pretty female face they had ever seen. For me, it was going to be just another day.

Till I had my breakfast, things were like every other yesterdays-brushing, cleaning the room, bathing, making a phone call to my mom, and eating the same old parathas. With sufficient time in hand, I decided to go through the headlines of The Telegraph. But just then it happened; a something that never happened on the other mornings I lived to see. Knock Knock!

I opened the door find a postman, who claimed I had a courier from a nameless somebody. I checked the address; mine was right. The sender’s address however, seemed alien to me. Who on earth would ever send me a courier without a name? I kept my astonishment invisible from the postman, and quietly put my signatures on the paper the handed out to me. Salaam! I nodded back.

I thought a lot, trying to guess who the sender was. My mom loved to surprise me, but that would be limited to my birthdays only. My didi does play a prank or two when we see each other, but that’s when we meet. In any case if either of the two would send me the courier, I would have recognised the address. But the sender of this one was a nameless somebody who knew my address, but whose address I did not know. I tore off the cover to see the content, only to find a neatly-folded hand-written letter in it. For some reason or the other, the handwriting did not seem very unfamiliar.

“Dear Kuldip,

                   Long time no see! I hope you are doing fine. I wish I was there in person to tell you the words I wrote. I am keeping myself anonymous from you, with a hope that you’ll recognize me after reading through it completely. No. I am sure YOU’LL recognize me!

                 Life runs alike every other space co-ordinate, relative to the time co-ordinate, except that there are no equations, no assumptions, and no inferences. There is but one thing that exists, and that is reality. Long ago, I lived in a world made by me and governed by my rules. It’s funny when I think of that world. It was so different from the world everybody lives in! There I used to be a Hitler for my own actions and reactions. I dictated terms on people who loved me, yet you survived your days with a smile every time I summoned you in my court, be it for a feast or a fist. And after everything, like everybody, you too passed away one day. It was the happiest day of my life back then. But as soon as slumber eludes and you open your eyes to stare at the Sun, dreams die off. 

               Years passed by since that day. I was ashamed to call you or even text you; I felt it would point a finger at my prestige. But I wanted you to know everything I felt, everything I wanted to say, and so today I am finally putting them to words for you, for I was living the thoughts of the un-prestigious lies and the weight was killing me slowly and methodically as days passed by. That day, I was too young, too inquisitive, too anxious, too impatient, exploring the world of love in haste. For love, love and love alone I travelled beyond my shame, my desires to live the love I “desired” the most. In case you still ask me that was the story you find on my blog was a fiction or fact, I will again stick to fiction. You are my fact. The rest were fictions. 

               I managed your address from my schoolmate; she is now happily married to one of your best pals in college. I requested him not to tell you a word and I hope he has been true to his word. Even if he’s not been, it doesn’t matter anymore because I know you have recognized me. Please write back to me as soon as possible, if you want to that is. I will conclude by saying something-“for you, it was always a thousand times over!” Hopes it makes up for an apology. I have a thing more to say, but that depends on how fast you can come. I’m waiting.

                                                                                                                            Forever yours,

                                                                                                                        ---------------------“

I dropped at Aniket’s home on my way back from office that day.

There was he. There was Anushka. 

And then somebody hugged me from behind. I closed my eyes. I love you. We swayed to the tune of Hey Jude. It had to be The Beatles!

“Hey Jude, don’t let me down,

You’ve found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better…”

 Ten years had passed by, but she was still the same. She, the prettiest face I ever saw. She, the sender of the anonymous letter.

"Dear!"

It makes me think at times, how can one endure me as the guy I am and address me with a "dear"!

Even when at times I feel that I am being intolerable, I receive a "dear" from them. I often want to shout, "Are you nuts guys!"

Sometimes I am forced to doubt the "dear."

It happened long before I could even realize the transgression. The looks around changed. Somewhat obvious they had become. I debated between predictiveness and counterfeit. The way out was not a one day's job, and realizing it was not a one day's job either. But rather having taken things for granted till days, made me look into the matter casually.

Times changed, people changed. Many lost, few found, many new-made.

Yet that one "dear" from a constant source remained constant.

Finding a way out with charm, its never a good option. Should have understood them when they said, "You can't charm your way out of a bullet."

I took many a bullets till date. It made me weak physically, and metaphysically. The same callous attitude made me promise for sake, made me praise for sake, made me love for sake... Made me lie for sake. What's left now is the liar. Liar Liar!

Somehow, the "dear" finds it way into prominence amidst everything around.

I have many "dear"-s around me for personal and professional issues, but that one "dear" still resonates in the same frequency. The one since my first breadth.

I love you mom. I love you dad. I'll love you forever...

Extreme Nostalgia!

This time it was different, because knowing I would have very well died the day I was born was not easy to gulp in spot on. As I went around the hospital in which I was born, the one thing that quite contradictorily came into prominence was that it was also the hospital where I could have died. Well there's a lot more to add to just mere nostalgia, to memories of back when I was not even a day old, and to a place which I left when I was two. The visit left me completely awestruck, because I never knew that people at Asansol know me as well as people in Kolkata do, and the one thing that hurt me the most that I knew them as characters of another fiction.

It all began with the visit to the bedroom where I slept the first night at a home. The landlord seemed to have followed me intricately throughout my transition from a baby to a man. The room still was as we had left it(so did my parents remark) for my second home, a mere fifteen minutes away from the first. I was supposedly a six-month old kid then. Now the landlord of our second home had sold the place and went to live at a different place altogether. So neither a complete view of the room I used to live in, nor any sneak peaks of the same. All I could see was the balcony where I used sit as a child of one, one and a half and maybe just two. My mother believes that the repeated stories I would hear from her and dad, made me picturize the whole place, yet I claim that I clearly recall a few incidents and a few places, and silhouettes of a few people, and every time I put forward the claim, she would remain awestruck for the exact, correct descriptions and the next moment, invalidate it by saying it was again a story I heard times and times over. On a personal note, I still have hazy memories of my days back then, and that made the trip a whole lot more nostalgic than I expected it to be(I never expected a single feat of nostalgia).

The next big thing was the hospital, Sanctoria Hospital. I heard stories that my mother had pregnancy complexities, and sometimes she puts the whole blame of my not-so-good eyesight on the complexities. As I grew up, the answers from her took a different shape altogether, but this time, she mentioned something that completely changed the scenario. Some Dr. Maji had once told her after both of us were safe, way back in March 1992, that they believed that ether one of me or her would make it to the earthly side of life. Even my dad signed a bond before my mother's ceasarion that he would accept whatever the outcome would be. And twenty years later, I am forced to believe that I am alive because of a miracle, and more so that I had my biological mother bring me up for the twenty years of my life. The reasons for her complexities are something that time and again made me wish, that I was never born. But the truth is we are living so I put an end to the thoughts I put in this matter with the upcoming full-stop.

I met new people, many of them, who knew me and yet, I knew them today. The only two people I remember are someone I loving called my grandpa and grandma. And they will, I believe, forever remain to be the extra set of grandparents I have, and I will forever be their loving "bhaiya." They were our second landlord at Asansol. They had a dog, I remember, whom I lovingly called, "vudi-didi." She died days before I came to Kolkata back in 1994, and that was my first "worst day of my life." I hid my tears for all the time but when they showed a dusty picture of me and "vudi-didi," I could hold them no longer. I really missed her, my first sister.

Well, to sum it up, this was one trip I wished to make since 1994, but it happened in 2012. I am happy that I went to the place where I spent the first two years of my childhood, and for some reason or the other I can claim, that I know every moment of my life since day one, because all the places in those stories I did see, and putting the baby me into the picture isn't much of a problem for me. So yes, I claim I didn't miss a moment of my childhood. So years later if an autobiography of mine comes into being, don't be surprised when I mention the details of day one, as if I still remember myself living it.



 

New Year's Resolution!!!

So 2012 it is! Another year goes by and I guess I am pretty much the same old guy-burnt pages of life and love, weird sense of style, after-electrocuted hairstyle, no face-wash, and still finding pleasure in text books. But there are two things that I am definite has changed. One, my age, and two, my weight. I still remain to be the same old complaining guy, eluding reality, and with an ever-changing aim in life. Guess my last year's resolution went vague. But that doesn't stop me from making one this year, with the same hope of living up to it, I'll make it quite a lengthy one.

I really want to be the guy I was not for all these years. I don't want to be the cry-baby I used to be, always complaining to mommy(or somebody else) about things that went against my wishes. I want to be realistic and accept good and bad at their extremes. I want to be that hard-working guy dedicated to give a proper shape to my career. I also want to enjoy everything in life. Most importantly, I wanna shed off my short-temper and also the habit of coming to quick useless conclusions.

I want to be a good son, brother and friend(and everything else I am). I want to love people selflessly. I want to give more attention to my friends, family and relatives, which I have been a constant failure at. Romance was never my cup of tea, yet I wish to fall in love with somebody, who other than just respecting, will reciprocate my love equally well.  

Last but not the least, I don't want to die on 21st December this year!

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And good things never die!-An often heard quote from The Shawshank Redemption, right. I feel that I need a redemption of my own, because if not now, then never! So I guess that's it basically, suits me of using such a quote. Personally, I want to apologize to many people I have wronged or hurt, and forget every issues of differences and misunderstandings I had. I want to start this year, all over again, all afresh. I wish to do it this year. I have to do it this year!