Back to Blogging!

Hey everybody! I am finally back to blogging full time after three long years! A lot has been learned, a lot has changed. So I finally decided on treating this blog as a forum to dump my thoughts. Nothing special or big, but it will be anything that crosses my mind, maybe at the moment, or maybe that has been in my mind all day long.

Lately, I have come out of a major addiction and I would like to share my thoughts on the process of coming out. Lol! I never imagined myself on the roof contemplating a change, or fall! 

Life is a mixture of good times and bad times. We all want the good to happen to us all the time. I was no exception. Later on I realized, wouldn't one be tired of feeling good? I don't know! Has anyone ever felt tired of feeling good? Let's go by basic human psychology. We take things for granted when they happen daily. Say our parents, or even maybe ourselves for hat sake. So life should be a healthy mixture of both I feel, so that the bad times actually help me cherish my good times and my good times make me wanna kill myself in my bad times.

My good days ended with college. I tried alcohol, cigarettes and weeds as an experiment, little knowing that some of these would become a necessity after my college days! I had a job in hand in one of the best construction companies in India. But I decided otherwise, little because I wanted to, mostly for my parents. So I left a job that would pay me well, have a perfectly good future prospect for me to flourish and opted to stay at home and prepare for Government jobs' exams. With most of our people running behind Government jobs, this was no easy task. I had no clue what boredom would bestow upon me.

It changed me, Initially I would love the preparations, but during the later half I would be mostly confined to home and there started my downfall. I shut myself from the world. There were several ground rules, but nothing was helping me concentrate. Slowly I lost focus and began to believe that I want nothing out of my life. I played the blame game. A part of it was true, but another part of it maybe was not. Adding on to that, there were severe problems in my family! 

I had nobody to talk to, nothing to do at all. I even gave up music, my one true love! Before I could even realize, alcohol and nicotine was consuming my life in bits and parts. I couldn't live without them a single day. I would stay at my friends' place, saying that I needed to do some group study, where all I did was fulfill my lust of booze and smoke. I was dying.

My friends are not to blame here. One night a week is definitely social but little did they know it was a daily affair. On the other hand, the exams were coming closer by the days.

I could never talk to my mom and dad about anything, and till date I can't. So I stick to the protocol and avoid doing so myself. My elder sister was always there for me. But little can others find me a way out of this misery.

My conscience hit me hard when I failed miserably in the first exam I gave. I was far away from the vicinity of being competitive. God sent me a Messiah, giving me a chance of redemption. He was my best pal from college, Gaurav. This chap, unlike others was patient with me, and believed in me a lot more than I did in myself at that time. 

He tutored me, monitored my levels of alcohol, the number of cigarettes I took. For the first time in months, I felt good. At least for those one two days a week, I had a reason to smile. Till he was gone, I was performing well in exams. I also didn't feel the need to drink or smoke everyday!

But he left for his B-school a month and a half later. I was back to my self-destructive self. I had two weeks to the preliminary exam of my dream job. Assured that I was of no good, I was mentally ready for the worst!

It was Wednesday. I kissed an old family photo that I found in an album and tried calling her one last time. She was busy. I was happy that she was not like me. But at that moment, it didn't matter. So I sent her one last text saying that I love her, and finished my last sips of a quarter of a cheap booze. I puffed one last cigarette and went to the roof. God! Everything looked so small from there.

I closed my eyes! Tried hard convincing myself that my freedom was just an inch away, and five stories down. Hell it would hurt, but slowly the pain would consume me and I would be history. I had one foot in the air. But I suddenly held on to a pipe nearby. I realized what a coward I am! Neither do I have the courage to live nor do I have the courage to take my life! I heard my phone ring and it was Shrea! She was almost in tears. I have already hurt her enough! My mom and dad! What about them? Did they pay for me 23 years long just to see me give up? 

No! I came down, threw away my last few cigarettes and the empty bottle of rum. I took a vow to give up smoking and drinking. I also took a vow to think positive and work hard.

Quoting Satyajit Ray - "The only solutions that are ever worth anything are the ones that people find themselves." I would chew on toothpicks, drink a lot of water, but never did I touch alcohol and cigarettes till date. It has been two months. I have cleared the preliminary exam and the very hopeful about clearing the main exam also. I am back to singing, not for the world, but for myself.

And I am back! To blogging!